I wrote this when Mabel turned 1 and told her the story of her birth. I will always treasure getting to tell her every year about her journey. I finally had time tonight to get it posted.
My Dear Mabel,
Your story starts from when mama knew. I think I knew the second it was even possible. I still remember, it was the weekend Juney and I left to go visit Meema. The first night at her house June and I shared Aunt Sheryl’s bed and I had a dream about you and that I was pregnant. Juney woke up the next day and we were talking at breakfast and she said, “I have a baby sister.” I
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| The morning after my dream. Meems and June. |
smiled because she had never said anything like that before and I wondered. Two weeks later I took a pregnancy tests and it was positive (Feb 7)!
I had a hard time carrying you around for 30+ more weeks, but we made it. About 22 weeks through our journey part of the placenta tore away from my uterus wall. Mabel, Papa and I were so, so scared. When we went to the hospital, the midwife started to examine me and said “Oh my goodness!” and then quickly said she would be right back and got the “high-risk” obstetrician. I still remember hearing your heartbeat so strong and healthy. Then in the next breath hearing the midwife tell us that we may have to deliver, even though you were kicking and strong. That moment and that feeling will stay with me forever. We were both thoroughly checked out, and knew that we were okay for now, but we had to stay in the hospital one night for observation. I laugh now, as Papa had missed the last official ultrasound at 20 weeks, and said he wouldn’t get to see another one… well, he got to see about 14 more. Papa was a great support to me and went home to pack an overnight bag – he even packed my sunscreen!
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| That’s you in my belly with the family! |
The very next evening when we got home, I had a lot more bleeding. I immediately knew with the amount of blood and cramping that something was wrong. The second I saw it, I told Papa and he rushed around the house to get us ready to go. Luckily Uncle Cory was staying with us and could stay with June. I remember trying to explain to Juney what was going on and she started to cry with me. I read her The Very Hungry Caterpillar sobbing and then we rushed to the hospital. We thought we lost you and I was going to have to deliver. I remember calling Aunt Mindy on the way to the hospital sobbing and being so very scared. I think Aunt Mindy will also be forever scarred from that too. I remember crying and holding the midwife’s hand asking her to stay with me because I was so frightened and papa wasn’t in the room yet because he was parking the car. There was another couple in the elevator that night and they asked if it was “good or bad” and Papa said bad, they said, “us too.” Oh, sweet Mabes, sometimes I still look at you think of how surreal it all really was.
That night they determined that the blood clot that formed from the placenta tear (abruption) was just passed all at once and there wasn’t any additional tearing. We were relieved and still cautious. We had planned to go on 2 fun trips that summer and I remember being scared during all of this and asking Papa to stay with me because I didn’t want something to happen and he not be there. We had to stay in the hospital for a week to ensure that the bleeding had stopped and wasn’t going to start again. I called Cory that night from the hospital and thankfully he packed mama’s bag ensuring that I had all of the right matching outfits, toiletries and even the perfect mascara. He also put sunscreen in every bag assuring that I wouldn’t get sunburn in the hospital, like Papa. 🙂
That was a hard time for me and such a time of uncertainty. When we got out of the hospital, I was told that I was on “modified bed rest” and had to take things really easy. I couldn’t lift June and be very careful about how far I walked and my energy level. It was a long rest of the summer and 20+ more weeks.
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| Our Paper Chain |
The hardest part was always thinking that if I walked too far or did too much or lifted something too heavy that I was putting you at risk. I remember just repeating to you, “Stay in there baby. We can do this.” I think I said that about 10 times a day. We made a paper chain to count down until your birthday and a calendar until we were in the “safe zone.”
As you know, you made it well past your due date (Oct 11) and were very healthy!
After the looooong summer and early fall, and we were getting close to where the midwife was talking about potential induction. I wasn’t prepared for that and we were trying everything to get things moving. I had my membranes swept 3 times, and we weren’t having success and stayed about about 4cm. The 3rd sweep was October 18th in the morning. It felt about the same as the others, and I didn’t have much action or contractions afterwards. I had been having contractions on/off for about 3 weeks at this point, but they didn’t seem to “stick.” The next Saturday morning, a gorgeous Colorado fall day, we decided to go to the fall festivities at City Floral with June. I had also read that pomegranate juice was good for contractions, so had been drinking that in the morning. My contractions were stronger, but nothing that I really thought were productive. We arrived at the festival and June was checking out pumpkins, plants and games. I was feeling really rough and had 2 -3 contractions stop me in my tracks and just wanted to go home. On the way home June fell asleep, so we stopped at the store for more pomegranate juice. While Papa was in the store, I had 2 big contractions, but again, nothing that I thought was really any different from what I had been experiencing. We got home from the fall fun, and Aunt Holly and Lilly stopped by to drop off some hand-me-downs. It was just pure luck they stopped by and I had 2 contractions while they were there. They offered to bring June with them for a few hours and they left.
When they left, I felt like the contractions finally began. I had more and they felt like they were sticking. In my head, I just didn’t want to get to the hospital and have to turn around, or labor there. I told Papa that it would be a good idea to get packed and get the car ready “just in case.” I packed some and remember pacing a bit in the living room and sitting on an exercise ball. There were times that I couldn’t talk and knew something was changing. I remember between the contractions it was a storm of activity…. the final contraction I remember at the house I was looking out the window in the bathroom in pain and there was the nice fall breeze. I can still feel it on my face and Papa and I remembered how peaceful it was… then BOOM, another contraction. I said it was time to call the midwife to see if we should come in. I texted with Aunt Mindy who was planning to bring June to come be at your birth. I said it wasn’t time yet, but I think things were starting. I then texted about 5 minutes later saying we were going to the hospital (4:35 pm). In the meantime, Papa was tasked with calling the midwife who refused to talk to him. We were both frustrated at the time because I was cursing through contractions and didn’t want to talk to anybody. She talked to Papa later about it and I guess most midwives can tell by the way that a mother talks how intense and how “real” it is. I also remember being annoyed and yelling at Papa to just get in the car. The exercise ball rolled out of the car while he was trying to pack and I chased it down, much to Papa’s shagrin. We then tried to figure out some sort of comfortable way for me to ride, which ended up me kneeling in the passenger seat facing backwards. I also yelled at Papa because he wouldn’t run red lights and pass people in intersections. Turns out I was transitioning in the car and I thought he should feel that too.
We pulled up to the hospital and things became really intense. I knew it was getting more painful, and was just hoping that I was actually in real labor because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t last like this for much longer. We got there and left the van parked out front with windows down and everything inside. As we got into the lobby of the hospital I got an enormous contraction and yelled my favorite curse word pretty loud. A mother and her child smiled..and the boy asked what what was going on and the mom smiled even bigger. This contraction I thought for sure I had peed my pants.
We got to the birth floor and the receptionist was standing there welcoming me and trying to take my insurance information etc. and I was moaning and yelling. Just then, Anne, the midwife and a nurse come through the unit doors to take me back to the labor room. I’m pretty sure I was very unpleasant to the person at the front. I told Anne that I thought I was peeing my pants and she said, “I don’t think you are dear.” We went into a labor room and she wanted to check me. I was scared to lay on my back because I had such severe back pain during the 2nd half of pregnancy that I knew it would really, really hurt. She was able to check and crystal clear she said, “well, we’re going to have this baby!” I said I felt like I wanted to push and it was game time. I was at 9cm.
In the meantime Aunt Mindy raced to Aunt Holly and Uncle John’s to pick up Juney. She and June arrived shortly after I got checked. I had started to push a little when they arrived and Mindy started to cheer for me. I immediately said, “shut up Mindy.” I later apologized and we laughed, but it was the last thing I needed to hear right then. Mindy was there for your entire birth and she was helping June be there for your arrival. It was so special and I’m grateful that they both were there to see you come into the world.
When I started to push, my back was hurting and I was so uncomfortable. I remember between contractions saying that I would just like a break. “Can we please just take a break for a minute?” and the room was silent. Nobody answered. So I said, “Um, there wasn’t an answer to my question?” and Anne just said, “we’re into this now, there won’t be a break.” and the next contraction came.
It turns out I wasn’t peeing my pants, it was anmiotic fluid. There was a tear in the amniotic sac somewhere and it was slowly leaking out. This is normal. There came a time in the pushing when Anne and the nurse said that Papa, Mindy and June should stand back, as the sac was bulging out and it was about to pop. The nurse said that people usually get soaked. On my next contraction/push it exploded and I could feel it spray all over. Then Papa said, “that was awesome!” and the pain I was feeling went from about a 8 to a 20. The nurse said, “it’s going to get more intense now.” I said, “no shit.”
I kept my eyes closed for most of the pushing, as I was trying to focus on me and not everyone else in the room. I opened my eyes just a few times and one of those times, I looked right at June, she was staring at me and said “Hi Mama!” and smiled. I said “Hi Baby!” and then pushed again.
We got close to the end and we were at one point when you were about to come out when Anne told me not to push or I would shoot you across the room. I remember thinking in my head, “well then they’re going to have to catch you.” because there was no way I could stop pushing…and then out you came and I heard you crying! You were placed on my belly and everyone was crying. You looked so beautiful and I remember distinctly not believing what had just happened…that I couldn’t believe that we actually made it. I spent 20 weeks of me focusing only to keep you in my belly and telling you to stay in and finally it was “safe.” We made it.
You got to lay on my chest and hold you until your umbilical cord stopped pulsing and then Papa cut it. He grabbed the scissors and he cut it with command – so much so the staff commented on how they were impressed! I still remember the disbelief and just staring at your sweet round face and gorgeous eyes and crying with joy that you could be in my arms. I delivered the placenta while holding you. I remember it being harder than before, but all went smoothly. When it was delivered we tried to see if we could see where it tore, but it had healed and looked perfect…like the magic of you.
June was so excited and couldn’t wait to tell everyone that her baby sister had arrived. She jumped right into the bed with us and see you and hold you too.
After getting to hold you for a long time and Papa took you to bathe you and wash you while I went to clean up. My uterus had some trouble wanting to contract back, so I needed some belly massaging and some medicine.
You, my baby Mabel, changed my life forever. I didn’t think I could possibly love more in my heart and you arrived and showed me just how wrong that is. In fact, you expanded and taught me more about myself in your short time with me, than I could even imagine. I thought for sure I was going to explode with love when you were born, and I think it everytime I look into your eyes. You have helped me realize just who I am – you’ve given me confidence and strength that I didn’t know existed. The first week you were home with us I was still in disbelief; and I think you felt it too. Then one day after feeding, you just stared at me, with crystal clear eyes and I knew. You were here and I could let it all go…we did it baby. Together, you and mama. My special Mabel, I love you more than I can even express. I am so lucky I get to be your mama.
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| Mabel Dillon, 5:49pm; 10 pounds of love |
I love you,
Mama
June and Mabel 